riverrat's blog

I have never ever written a "blog" before, but I suppose it is basically just an outlet for someone to express their feelings, or gather information or share stories. As far as how this particular blog will go, I imagine it's going to be delving into a little bit of each of the factors I've just listed.

I'm still fairly new to this site and have had many conversations with several men on here regarding all types of fantasy matches. First of all, let me explain to you how I've spent 56 years of my life trying to figure out who I am. (And still working on it.) I was married to a lovely woman for nearly 20 years because that's what I was "supposed" to do. Had a fine life with a nice home and children. However, I always had that yearning for men buried deep down inside. As the marriage failed, and I found myself single once again, I was intrigued by that side of me that I had kept hidden for most of my life and finally admitted to myself that I was gay. It hasn't been the easiest thing to accept and I still struggle with it today. But, it is what it is. I found another wrestling site during the latter years of my marriage, which I found to be a big turn on for me. I had never really heard of such things and found myself completely lost in that site. I wanted to try it...and through that site I had found my first wrestling partners. Now mind you, I had no experience and lack strength, but it was something new I wanted to learn about myself. And I had a great time! Although I never had more than maybe 3 or 4 matches, I wanted to continue to try and to learn about this sport and the erotic side of it. There is something about 2 MEN trash talking and getting up into each other's faces and being completely uninhibited that I find exhilarating. However, one of the "downfalls" I find in myself is that I'm basically a "nice" guy to everyone I meet and I can't seem to allow myself to "let go" and act upon it as I'd really like. I always feel foolish if I even THINK about attempting such a feat. It is my hopes that one day I will be able to find that confidence and allow myself to be free and fulfill my desire. I get alot of comments from guys who tend to believe my appearance has a rough exterior, but I can't help how I look...and if I look tough, trust me, it's only a "look" and not who I truly am.

I have only recently rejoined the "wrestling" world...(and still waiting on matches)...due to being true to myself and continuing the search. I became involved with another man over 3 years ago, and we had agreed on a monogomous relationship from the beginning. However, I've discovered that he gets more of a kick by allowing me to think that he remains monogomous, but sneaks around behind my back on MANY occasions in the time we've been together and I've had enough. So, I'm back on wrestling sites and looking to fulfill my fantasies. Why not? I had given it up when we made our agreement, but if he wants to continue hooking up with others with no respect to my wishes, then in my opinion, that grants me license to do as I please, as well. I know...not a good situation, but one I'm kind of stuck in.

As I continue my search in locating partners to rassle with, I can't help but wonder how many others view wrestling in the same respect as i do - erotic, sexy, manly. I've spoken with a few who want to wrestle strictly to wrestle with no sexual release, and I guess I don't understand the point. Is it to test strength or to prove one is stronger than the other? As I've already mentioned, I have no strength, so wrestling for dominance or to prove who is the "alpha" is really of no interest to me. I'm not looking for injury or out to prove anything, I'm just looking at wrestling as a form of exercise and having some fun with it, and fulfilling a fantasy. However, I have trouble in actually setting matches up. There doesn't seem to be much of an interest in this sort of thing due to my location, and I am willing to travel within reason, although I'd prefer someone would come to me. And due to limited availability and my current situation, it is nearly next to impossible to make it happen in real time, although I do my best to accommodate. And most of those I'd love to get my hands on (and are just as interested in me) are miles and miles away. Setting up a match isn't easy. Either available dates don't work out for myself or a potential opponent, or a match that has been set must be cancelled due to extenuating circumstances, which I can understand.

Basically, I would LOVE to explore more of this side of me I desire, but I fear that making the fantasies a reality will be few and far between, if at all. I would love to hear some feedback from some of you who may be able to help me better understand what exactly this site is all about, what exactly you look for, or if you have any incidences or situations similar to my own. I apologize for the length of this blog, but if you made it all the way through and it stirs a comment, please do so. I'd love to hear from you. Thanks and happy rasslin!